Navel-Gazing

So I left off last night reflecting what I should do with myself now that I know that I will be staying in the town that I currently live in. I somewhat lamented that I will not be establishing a career in research, but explored other avenues that I could scratch that itch.

I explored that I could go into consulting or establish my own community organization. Actually, both of these are decent ideas. I believe that I could do either. But as I mentioned in my previous post, I will need to consider how much time each will take since I want to have more children.

I want a big home with laughter and fun. A big backyard for the kids to play in and to have friends over for game nights and barbecues. A spacious home with a bedroom for each kid and an office for myself if needed.

Then I feel guilty for wanting those things. Kids, a home, a backyard all cost alot of money. I never wanted to be the wanting type. Perhaps, I’ve always suppressed my desire for money. My family was upper lower class but in an impoverished town, we felt like upper-middle compared to most other people. I feel guilty for wanting. Since I was an only child I always got what I wanted and things I never wanted. Even as I kid, I never wanted to ask for anything. Perhaps, that was the privilege of having what I needed and already wanted.

I guess at the end of the day, I want family, friends, and colleagues that love me. Money doesn’t necessarily bring those things. I don’t know how to make long-lasting bonds. Well, that can’t be true. I still talk to my high school friends. I’ve made friends here in this town that I talk to once a week. My family has even been adopted by my friend’s family here. We visit with his mother, father, brothers, and him at least monthly. They have really brought us into the fold.

I guess all those connections feel isolated. I wish they were interwoven more. About four years ago, we had a set of friends that were close and they each were close with each other. I felt like we had a community. They would call me, they would call each other, and we would see each other about once a week. I felt loved by them. And I hope they felt loved by me.

Apart of the mission that I wrote for myself around three years ago was to build community where ever I am and to breathe life into what I do.

Maybe this is too much navel-gazing. Maybe its time I set my sights outward. Think about the people around me. Maybe its time I develop a practice of reaching out.

I really like this idea. The biggest barrier to it is my mental health. I feel like I am constantly struggling with depression. With COVID this year, it has been particularly tough. So much, that I find it hard to concentrate and even to remember things.

Fortunately, I believe I have set up a good response, and it's getting better each week. I have started meditation and working out again. Both of these things really make a difference in my capacity and overall wellbeing.

Journalling has also been a very helpful tool, though I think I should focus on meditating and working out on a daily basis first. I can’t completely transform everything about me at once. Although, sometimes I wish I could just be born anew and start over to do it right. (I am definitely not referring to a Christian born again).